Polkahotness' Hot Mix Tape
by Polkahotness
Summary: A series of SongFics. Each chapter is it's own oneshot, so feel free to pop those earbuds in and shuffle! R&R! (rated T for 'lyric content' that makes its way into certain oneshots. Mild language content)
1. The Impossible Year

_**UPDATE: it was brought to my attention that song fics are no longer allowed to post lyrics- something I was completely unaware of.**_

 ** _All lyrics were immediately removed, and I sincerely apologize._**

 ** _The story shall still remain! Look up the lyrics yourselves, fine friends!_**

* * *

 _ **Welcome to my hot mix tape!**_

 _ **This first song is a song that I simply adore for many reasons, though I won't waste your precious time explaining them to you. HOWEVER, as this fic-series goes on, I do implore you to listen to each song as they are picked for a very good reason.**_

 _ **If you desire to listen to the playlist for this story as add new songs I'll write about, you are certainly welcome to. I have a playlist entitled, "Polkahotness' Hot Mix Tape" on Spotify where I will putting each of these songs in order of ficlets as I find them :)**_

 _ **I already have others in the works, so make sure you follow this story to know when they are posted!**_

 ** _Please review!_**

 ** _xoxo_**

 ** _Polkahotness_**

* * *

 ** _"The Impossible Year"- Panic! at the Disco_**

 **~Arnold~**

I sat at my desk; the blank computer screen staring at me. Reaching out to grab hold of the mouse, I shook the computer awake and opened up a web browser. Typing away in the search bar, I wrote the words, "The Impossible Year lyrics" and clicked the search button.

" _Go ahead and pick partners, I'll explain more later," Mrs. Fincher said before turning around to write something on the board with her squeaky red white board marker._

" _Well, Hair Boy?" Helga's voice made me turn around to look at her where she sat behind me. "Wanna be partners?"_

 _I raised my brow in surprise. "Really, Helga? You want to be partners with me?"_

 _She shrugged carelessly and leaned back in her desk to cross her arms over her chest and I imagine extend her legs to cross over each other from below. "Well sure. I mean, I figure you'll need some creative genius to help you if you'll EVER pass THIS class. And who better than Helga G. Pataki herself."_

 _I rolled my eyes and smirked. "I'll pass this class without your help just fine," I said, though she was right and I didn't want to admit it._

 _Creative Writing was the only class I was struggling in. And granted, a B- isn't exactly struggling, but it certainly wasn't Helga's obvious A with extra credit making her sit righteously above me in the class hierarchy._

" _Fine. Suit yourself." She said before turning her head to look over at the desk clump next to us. "Yo, Ernest! You wanna be-"_

" _Helga, wait," I cut her off and she turned to look back at me with a smile hinting on her lips. "I'll be your partner. I mean... if you still want me to be at least." I nodded my head in the direction of the acne-ridden boy now looking in Helga's direction. "Over Ernest."_

 _She chuckled and nodded her head. "Yeah alright, footballhead. Partners."_

I clicked on the first of the search results and waited for the page to load the lyrics on my screen.

" _We'll be doing what I like to call, the Partner Playlist Project. So right now, everyone pull out a piece of paper and write down the name of a song- any song -that inspires you to want to write about it, then fold it up. You'll be writing stories based on these lyrics, so pick one you feel you can excel at telling a story with." Mrs. Fincher announced and I looked down at the blank sheet staring at me._

 _What would I pick? Most of the music I listened to were instrumentals of Jazz Music and while plenty of those told stories, they didn't tell stories with words which was the assignment. I frowned at the paper as it looked back at me while I racked my brain._

" _What'd you pick?" Helga asked, her paper already neatly folded so I couldn't see her words written on it._

" _Well, uh, nothing. Yet." I said while reaching up to rub at my tired right eye._

" _Just pick something you like. What about one of those Dino Spumoni songs you rave on about all the time? He has some good lyrics, right?"_

 _Her suggestion had the gears in my brain turning, and I was suddenly very thankful Helga had asked to be my partner._

 _I scribbled down the words, "Smashed by Dino Spumoni" and folded my paper as Mrs. Fincher had told us to do and waited for our next instructions._

I glanced through the lyrics and sighed heavily.

It looked like a depressing song. It was the sort of song I hadn't really expected from Helga, but hadn't really surprised me either. Helga had been pretty forlorn as of late, though I never tried to ask because she'd only shoot me down with nicknames and various sarcastic comments so it hadn't been really worth it to me.

Either way, I decided I should give the song a listening to before writing anything. I typed "Youtube" into the web browser and went searching for the audio to go with Helga's lyrics.

 _I couldn't believe it. We had to SWITCH SONGS?!_

 _"Here ya go, bucko." Helga tossed her folded paper at me with a smirk. "Enjoy. Hope you can figure out a story for this one..." She sighed taking my folded paper and opening it up. "Kind of a shame cause I had a really good idea for it and everything."_

 _Mrs. Fincher spoke up for the last time before the bell was to ring, "Remember, you are to write a paragraph for each verse or stanza. Make it work!" The bell rang and we all stood to collect our things so we could go about the rest of our day. "I can't wait to read what you come up with!" She called after us._

Once the song was through, I sat back and thought for a moment.

I really liked it. I hated to admit something Helga enjoyed, I did too, but I liked it. The song had a jazzy flair to it, almost like Frank Sinatra who was one of my favorite artists of all time. Who would have thought Helga was into that too?

The group behind the song, Panic! At the Disco was one I had heard about and a couple of songs on the radio now and again. This song alone made me want to search the internet for more and listen to whatever else they had put out- but I had a task at hand.

I had to inspect lyrics and write a story about them.

It was something I certainly wasn't excited about.

I'd never been good at understanding lyrics or poetry. I wasn't good at writing it either, for that matter. If I were being honest with myself, I'd only elected to pick this Creative Writing class for the credit and the fact that Gerald had taken it last semester. He said it'd been a breeze and an easy A.

An easy A. Right.

I'd have to remember to thank Gerald for that.

With a click of my mouse, I minimized the window to pull up a new document and title it, "Partner Playlist Project." Going back to the lyrics, I copied and pasted them to the blank page.

"Well," I said to myself with a sigh. "Here we go. Creative, just think like Helga would." I muttered to myself before inspecting the first set of lyrics staring back at me.

I tapped at the keyboard lightly as if to gather my thoughts. _I could always just write this as myself... it's kind of cop-out but..._ I shook my head. _I've had a good year. This doesn't apply to me. I mean, sure there was that really bad date with Marcie in October, but I'm passed that. She didn't break my heart or anything._

I frowned as I looked at the lyrics. _No, no. I should write it as... as someone else? How does someone even come up with a character? Do I just... start writing?_

My phone sat beside me and I itched at wanted to call Helga and ask for her idea. Ask for some help. But I couldn't call her; I couldn't admit that she was right and there was no way I'd pass this class without her writing expertise.

I could do this. I just had to start writing. Anything.

With an encouraging nod of my head, I began to type.

 **I walked along the pavement of the street. It was dark and the night was quiet. My thoughts-**

I shook my head and deleted the words I'd just typed. _Describe... adjectives... metaphors..._ With a sigh, I tried again.

 **It was nighttime in the city. I'd just left work and was tired for the night like a dog that had been up all day-**

 _That's horrible, I can't use that._ Instantly I hit the delete key and held it until the page was blank again except for the lyrics staring me down in bold font.

 _You can do this. What would Helga write? Surely she picked this song for a reason, so there's a story in here SOMEWHERE. If I were Helga... what would I write?_

I thought back to the other day when I'd found Helga sitting on the stoop, soaked to the bone. It had just poured and she'd been stuck outside the whole time because her mom had locked her out. I'd asked if she'd wanted help, but as usual she told me to 'buzz off and mind your own business, football-head.' I found that I'd thought about that night a lot lately; attributing it to her sour disposition and sad expression she'd worn most days since.

 _If I were Helga, what would I write about? This WAS Helga's choice afterall... so if I wrote like I was her..._

My fingers tapped away at the keys quickly; an idea sprouting in my brain.

 **I sat on my stoop and looked out to the world. It was dark, nighttime, and there was a breeze that gave me goosebumps. It had been stormy. Puddles of water lined the streets. I supposed it could be worse; plenty of other towns had storms like the one I'd just sat through. Tornadoes, typhoons, monsoons- plenty of other places had it worse, and in most cases those storms made for devastation and a pretty impossible year.**

I nodded my head with a smile as I read through what I'd typed. It wasn't good- not by any means, and certainly not by Helga Pataki standards, but it was good by me. I decided the Helga tactic was working, so I moved onto the next verse.

I studied the words trying to make sense of them. _A party? Gosh, I've only ever been to one party and that was when the disaster with Marcie happened._ I remembered it clearly, the way she'd thrown punch in my face and stormed out- all because I'd been talking to Gerald a little 'too much.' It seemed like a silly thing to get so worked up over, but I figured it just wasn't meant to be so I'd gone to the bathroom to clean myself up.

Helga had been in there, and when she came outside, she'd eyed me with a smirk and said, 'Forget where your mouth was again, Hair Boy?'

At the time, it'd made me mad. After I cleaned myself up, I'd left the bathroom in search of her, but found she'd left. I had asked Phoebe where she'd gone to but she only said that Helga hated parties and went home.

 _Helga hated parties... But why?_

A particular set of lyrics stuck out at me, the words sending an idea into my head. _They just intrude and exclude._

I set my fingers back on the keyboard and continued on with my writing plight.

 **I'd had a really bad day, a bad weekend actually. Just the day before I'd been dragged to a party with my best friend. I didn't like parties. They were full of people who faked smiles and had artificial laughs. Most of high school was like that though. There were plenty of people mucking about with insincerity to one another. It made it all the more easy to skip out on the parties, cliques and other trivial things. I was probably missing a party right now while sitting on my stoop, but that was fine by me.**

A chuckle escaped as I realized most of what I'd written was more how I felt about parties than Helga probably did. I didn't like how everyone always acted so fake to each other. The lyrics were right about that- they were just more excuses to exclude people- something I never believed in and didn't want to be a part of.

 _Maybe Helga felt the same way though. After all, she_ was _the one to pick this song._

I'd arrived at the final verse; the bridge and ending the only thing standing in the way of completing the assignment. My eyes honed in on the next set of words.

This verse proved to be harder. I had no knowledge of heartbreak. The closest I'd ever had to that had been from before I'd found my parents, but I was much older now and had had them around for a while. This was a different kind of heartbreak- the kind I wasn't familiar with.

But apparently Helga was.

I thought back to our past together- the ins and outs of who we'd become as young-adults and how we'd gotten there. There was once a time when Helga said she loved me- a long time ago now, but it had happened and I hadn't forgotten. There was even that moment in the jungle we'd shared together; a moment that seemed to be taking us somewhere but ultimately fell short the moment we stepped back in Hillwood. It'd hurt my feelings quite a bit; I'd really thought we were getting somewhere. I thought maybe, as crazy of a thought as it was, that we could... be together. Or something.

I shook my head at the thought and tried to refocus my attention out on the computer screen waiting for me to continue with my story.

 _Why would she do that? Why would she start acting like nothing had ever happened? I thought she liked me... then. She doesn't NOW of course, but if she DID, if she liked ANYONE, what would she write about it? If it hadn't worked?_

Helga wasn't one to date. In fact, I don't think I'd ever seen her with anyone in the likes of romantically. She'd stayed away from that scene, probably wisely as I'd seen through Gerald's passed romances that dating wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

Even I had stayed away from that scene, except for the Marcie incident. Nobody interested me like that so much. The only people I was interested in were my friends and the mystique that was Helga.

I just couldn't figure her out.

I stared at the lyrics as they stared at me. _Helga picked this. If I were Helga, the Helga that used to... LOVE me... what would those lyrics mean?_

 **Still, parties did have one appeal to attending. A long time ago when I was younger there had been someone-**

 _No, Helga wouldn't go to a party just to see somebody. That's unrealistic._ I deleted my words and tried again, this time thinking back to how I'd found Helga those days ago sitting on her stoop; drenched from fresh rain.

 **Someone approached me then; their umbrella folded and tucked under their arm. "Are you okay?" They asked, and I frowned in their general direction. "What's it matter to you? Buzz off and mind your own business," I said. "Sorry, I was just trying to help," they responded and I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. "Well I don't NEED your help. I'm just fine."**

" _Whatever you say, Helga," I said with a sigh. "Whatever you say." My feet splashed in the puddles as I walked away, though I couldn't help but to look back and see Helga looking after me; that forlorn look lost in her eyes._

The memory disapated and I fluttered my eyes as I looked at the words I'd written. Hesitantly, as if someone were watching over my shoulder, I added words I didn't know I was thinking until they were typed in front of my face.

 **They walked away, my eyes drawn to them as they left me to myself. There was once a time when I cared for that person- cared so deeply that I often said things I sometimes regretted when they were near. I cared for this person, once upon a time, when I was younger and foolish and didn't know what it meant to be in love.**

My fingers typed furiously on the keyboard; a flurry of feelings being scrawled across the electronic piece of paper.

 **I knew I wasn't like this. I knew I was a good person and I knew that, given the right opportunity, I could show it to the world. But it was easier to hide behind what everyone thought I was- even if that meant hiding how I felt at every chance I had. This person who I once cared so much for, had given me plenty of chances to prove to them who I was. But that was years ago. I watched as they walked away; my heart feeling like a fresh bruise- but rather a scar left by the mistakes I'd made. I'd accepted what I'd done, and it was time to swallow the bitter pill and move on.**

I sat back and looked at what I'd typed- the words like a neon sign screaming in my face. I knew what I'd written. It all made sense... but it was just a story. It wasn't like this was real and how Helga actually felt. These were just words and this was just a song and this all was just an assignment I'd probably get a B on.

But I couldn't stop.

I looked onto the next lyrics; the bridge. Instantly, I wrote my next series of words.

 **It was hard to let go though. Sometimes it made it hard to breathe like I was being crushed. I thought about it, more than I'd like to admit, and it haunted me like a nightmare I could never wake up from. It was an endless dream full of regrets- all of the things I'd done to ruin what could have been and what maybe still could be if I just tried again.**

 _What was I typing? Where was I getting all of this from? It isn't like I felt that way. Well, not exactly. Maybe I DID think about those moments with Helga a lot._ I closed my eyes and pursed my lips. _But it was only because I couldn't figure her out. I couldn't, and still don't understand what had happened between us. What HAD happened?_

The song ended on a melancholy note that sent shivers up my spine. It suspended itself in the air like a thought that just wouldn't go away; MY thoughts that just wouldn't go away.

 **It was dark where I sat, the glow from the street lamps flickering on at it's usual 5 o'clock. I looked out at the remnants from the rainstorm and sighed. It had only been a little storm- nothing significant. It wasn't a tornado or a typhoon or a monsoon like other places get, but it had ruined the day for me. It flooded me with reminders of what wasn't and that was enough to make me think that the devastation caused by this storm- no matter how small -had made for one impossible year.**

* * *

"So how did it go?" Helga asked as I sat down beside her before class began. "The song I gave you. Did you come up with something?"

She seemed anxious for my answer, but I only smiled and nodded. "I did, actually. It's a very good song."

"Yeah, well-" Her remark was cut off by the bell and Mrs. Fincher rose from her desk to approach the front of the class.

"Good morning, everybody! I trust you had a pleasant night writing about your partner's song choices. Ready to exchange them and see how your partner interpreted your song?"

Her words made me freeze and my heartbeat nearly stopped.

 _No, she can't see this. She can't read what I wrote she'll... she'll KILL me._

"Alright, Hair Boy. Let's see how much you messed up one of my favorite songs." Helga said plainly while tossing me her paper which was written in pink pen with doodles littering the margins of the page.

I sat and stared at it blankly. "I uh... I didn't write anything."

"You just said you did. Really proudly, might I add." She made a motion with her hand implying I should give her my story. "Hand it over and let's get this show on the road."

The color was draining from my face but I took a deep breath and softly shut my eyes while reaching for my paper which was neatly typed and sitting inside my green folder.

 _It's just a story, why are you so nervous? It isn't like she'll do more than berade your attempt at creative writing. 'What a cop-out,' she'll say. 'You just took something that already happened and tried to analyze it like you always do. Typical football-head behavior.' She'll probably just crumple it up and call it junk._

She snatched it from my hands once I took it out and immediately began to scan the page. I watched as her eyes softened and the scowl once lining her lips faded to a blank expression. Slowly, she lowered the paper and turned to look at me.

"This... YOU wrote this?" She said, her eyes brimming with moisture as they searched mine.

"Y-yeah." I cleared my throat nervously. "Yeah, I did."

Mrs. Fincher began to quietly walk around the room and pass out grading sheets we were to use on each other's papers. I didn't bother to look down as she set a pair of papers on my desk and move on to the next pod beside us.

Helga continued to stare at me, a slight shake of her head making me fidget uncomfortably in my desk. I reached out to take my paper back from her and set it face-down ahead of me.

"I know its bad, alright? But... I worked really hard on it and I'd appreciate it if you would hold your-"

"How did you know?" She said overlapping me as I talked.

I looked at her with confusion. _What was she talking about?_ "How did I know what?"

She swallowed a hard gulp and blinked a couple of times before finally saying in no louder than a whisper, "How did you know what I was going to write about?"

A smile spread across my face.

Maybe this year wouldn't be as impossible as Helga had thought.


	2. If I Didn't Care

_**Hello all! Welcome back to the mix tape! :D**_

 _ **Funny story- I just got off work and I was ready to go to bed when this song popped into my head. This song has always been near and dear to me since I first saw it in the movie, "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day" which is an EXCELLENT movie that I just love. The lyrics sort of... CLICKED with me and all of a sudden I was at my computer writing a story that I could hardly contain more or less wait until after work tomorrow to write.**_

 _ **So here it is! Hope you enjoy it! And definitely go give THIS version of this song a listen!**_

 _ **xox**_

 _ **Polkahotness**_

* * *

 _ **"If I Didn't Care" - Amy Adams & Lee Pace**_

 _ **(Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day SOUNDTRACK)**_

HOW could he say that to me?

HOW could Arnold think I didn't care about him?

I was near raging as I got home, raced to my bedroom and slammed the door behind me; my chest rising and falling with each rapid breath I took while I rested against the door. My fingers gripped at the wood before clenching entirely into fists and I huffed angrily with my eyes tightly shut while I replayed Arnold's words over and over again like a movie playing behind my eyelids.

" _I'm just not sure anymore, Helga. It's like... it's like you don't care about me anymore."_

How could he have SAID that to me?

How could he have the slightest INKLING that I- ME! Helga G. FREAKIN' Pataki?! The very woman who worshiped him since the age of 3! -no longer CARED about him?

I mean, sure, I'd been a little DISTANT since we graduated, but it wasn't like HE hadn't either. We were busy! He had school and work while trying to help his parents with the selling of the boarding house. And I had classes I NEEDED to pass or I'd lose all my scholarships which I'd worked TOO DAMN HARD to lose. We were just... BUSY.

But that CERTAINTLY didn't mean I'd stopped CARING about him.

How could I ever, EVER stop caring about Arnold?

My thoughts slowed as the sentence rolled around in my head; echoing there as I fluttered my eyes open.

 _How could I ever stop CARING about Arnold?_

I slid down the door to sit in a crumpled ball; my breathing now slowed entirely though my heart continued to beat rapidly inside my chest. My eyes began to swell with tears I could see at the base of my vision; the water looking like the horizon over a lake through my sight of the childhood room I was now sitting on the floor in.

"You think I don't care?" I asked aloud to the four walls of my bedroom while a single tear spilled over the edge to slide down my cheek. "How could you possibly think I don't care?"

I blinked a few times in an effort to clear my eyes of tears; soon unable to stop them once they'd started. I cried for a moment- the silent sort of cry that hurts in your chest while you try to control it. A solid lump grew in my throat as I held the sobs back; words soon leaving my lips as if to try and distract my soon-to-be sobs.

"If I didn't.. CARE..." The word came out harsh, the very letters of it seeming to cut at my skin like razors. "Then Why-why would every word you say h-hAUNT me and stay WITH me each moment of every day? Why would it all even MATTER to me if I didn't CARE?"

The wallpaper around me offered now help- the teal mixed with yellow hearts staring back at me as if waiting for me to continue.

I swallowed a chunk of the lump in my throat away; my thoughts organizing as my words came out stronger and louder than before.

"And if I didn't CARE because CLEARY- I can't possibly LOVE you -then how come this all HURTS so damn bad? How come..." I took a deep breath to steady myself, "whenever you're around me, the earth starts to spin and I can hardly hold on unless I'm looking into those beautiful pools of emerald." My voice softened and for a moment, though a brief moment it was, the tension built up in my body vanished and my eyes saw clearly ahead of me in the empty room.

As if in a temporary trance, I whispered, "Those beautiful eyes that pierce through my thick skin and delve deep into my very SOUL. They see me, they've ALWAYS seen me for all that I truly am- all that I've ever TRULY been. The world spins and spins while you hold me to this Earth- those eyes anchoring me to the world that's shown NO mercy my way- except... except for you, Arnold, my love."

I pictured him there, as if he were standing above me and offering his hand to help me up. I stared to the empty space I imagined him occupying, and I shook my head at his invisible gesture.

Picking up my pace again with a new flame under me, my voice strengthened once more. "No. I don't CARE, remember? How could I CARE?" I spat the words at the false image of him and he disolved away into nothing as I saw the room once again for what it was- just my bedroom.

I pushed myself up off of the ground and stood, my eyes fluttering down to look at my muddy converse tied onto my feet. "Don't you think if I didn't care," I said to my feet with a sigh. "everything would be different?"

Glancing up, I sighed again and shoved my hands into the pockets of the jacket I was wearing. "If I didn't care, would I still tease you and give you crap with the smile you always said you loved? Wouldn't I just give up the whole act and leave you be? Criminy," I grumbled while walking to stand beside my still messy bed from the morning. "you'd think if I didn't CARE, the whole thing would just STOP. You'd THINK that I'd just let it all GO and ignore you completely. I'd say, 'that's it, buster, we're through' and leave you behind?"

I shut my eyes gently, the room spinning around me as I stood before my bed. With a deep exhale, I let go of the world around me and collapsed face first onto the bed; my face buried in the pile of sheets I'd fallen on. I breathed in the detergent and kept my eyes shut, my thoughts wandering as I lay there.

 _There'd be no more poems, no more inspiration, no more ANYTHING without you! And you don't even REALIZE?! You-You are my MUSE- the very blood that pumps through my veins each day to keep my cold, beating heart alive. If I didn't CARE, your words- not mine, wouldn't that all just... go away? Wouldn't I stop believing in ALL of that; stop believing in my very LOVE for you, if I truly, really didn't care?_

I moved to roll over and lay on my back while my eyes opened to focus up on the ceiling above me. My eyes focused in on the tiny bumps of the white drywalled ceiling; my brain playing tricks on me as pictures seemed to emerge like a connect-the-dots game kids played on the backs of paper menus in restaurants.

"I'm so sure of my feelings for you, you stupid goon." I said to the imaginary pictures that formed the shape of Arnold's head with each drywall dot. "Since the day we MET I was sure and you even KNEW... I thought for SURE you knew, after EVERYTHING we've BEEN through- I swore you knew..." I shook my head as it lay on the sheets; my eyes closing once more.

I sighed; allowing my lungs to empty themselves completely before at last taking another breath to fill them once more.

"Wouldn't all of THAT be true if I didn't care for you?"

Arnold's face painted itself behind my lids, my thoughts soon gravitating to him calmly as my entire body began to slowly relax itself.

 _I know Arnold cares,_ I found myself thinking; the very words sounding quiet in my head like scared thoughts afraid to voice themselves. _I know he feels the same._

I smirked to myself where I lay with my eyes still shut and said to myself, "I know that through the years, that weird little football-head has grown to 'see the light' and care for me ALMOST as much as I care for him."

Sitting up suddenly, my eyes shot open and I shook my head in mild frustration. "So shouldn't he be SURE that the love we've developed for one another is REAL and RAW and full of emotions we've poured INTO our relationship since DAY ONE? Shouldn't he, if HE cares, beLIEVE in us? Believe in...me?"

My voice broke at the final word; my heart tugging at the thought of Arnold suddenly not believing in me- something he's been the only one able to do every since I can remember. My eyes began to well once again with tears that easily slipped over the edges to coat my cheeks with it's salty residue.

Shaking my head as I cried, I shut my eyes tightly as if I could erase the world around me- erase the world and erase the thoughts I couldn't stop as they roamed around in my head. Tension built in my body once more; the lump returning to my throat though I tried to swallow it away.

After a few sobs escaped my body, I took a breath and steadied myself as the tears began to slow to a crawl down my cheeks. "But he DOES believe in you Helga, ol' girl," I quietly said to myself as my eyes slowly opened to stare down at my feet dangling over the edge of the bed. "If he didn't... he... he..." I tried to swallow at the lump once more with little success. "he'd just have broken UP with you..."

Slowly I raised my head up to stare back out at the four walls of my bedroom. "Hell, I would have broken up with you... if I didn't care like you SAID I don't- like you ACCUSED that I didn't." A sad scoff came carelessly out of me and I shook my head slowly with a dry smile lining my lips. "Wouldn't I, huh Arnold? Wouldn't THAT be true if I REALLY didn't CARE for you?"

My body drained itself of energy; my entire self now tired from all the tears I'd uselessly cried. I reached my hands up to cover my face; the cool of my fingertips soothing my red and puffy eyes. They lingered there for a moment as I composed myself and let the flood of emotions out from inside of me where they'd been brewing since this all happened only moments ago.

" _I'm just not sure anymore, Helga. It's like... it's like you don't care about me anymore."_

I flopped back to once again lay on my bed while my hands stayed blanketing my face.

"Like I don't care..." I said into my hands, the words coming out muffled as they bounced off of my skin. The silence surrounded me as I breathed into my palms before finally dropping my hands to my sides. Keeping my eyes shut, I said with a frown. "As if I could EVER not care for you."


	3. Consequence

**_This next songfic was inspired by a personal (secret) headcanon of mine that was reawakened by this AMAZING fic called, "Avalanche" by PointyObjects. In it, there is an AMAZING dance routine and I have decided to bring back my secret headcanon for just one oneshot as a sort of... weird kinda 'here ya go have this thing i made' to PO. So i hope you're reading this and enjoy it ;)_**

 ** _This song is actually a song I've danced to before, though the dance I describe in this is completely my own. I am a (sort of) amateur choreographer/dancer, so it was kinda fun to choreograph this for a story._**

 ** _The song DIRECTLY goes with it, so i can not STRESS ENOUGH to look up this song and give it a listening to- maybe even while reading it :)_**

 ** _Enjoy and let me know what you think by REVIEWING! ;)_**

* * *

 ** _ "Consequence" - The Notwist_**

 ** _(Setting: Post TJM, [sort of]Mid-The Patakis. Arnold is still in San Lorenzo with his parents as a now 18-year-old Helga prepares to graduate and go to college.)_**

"Number 32," A voice called out over the intercom to where I sat backstage of the old theater I'd been waiting in. "Miss...Helga G. Pataki.

I swallowed hard and pushed myself from the bench I'd been sitting on to stand up and slowly make my way to the door leading to the main stage where my fate awaited to be sealed.

My bare feet were cold as I walked across the black wood of the old stage; each stride large and anxious for my destination at the front center. Once I was in place, I instinctively set my feet into first position as I waited to be addressed.

After a moment, a voice echoed over to me through the shadows cast by the hot stage lights beaming down on me. "State your name, please."

I cleared my throat slightly and said in a projected voice. "Helga G. Pataki."

"And your class?" It asked again, the tone dull and bored.

"I...I'm sorry?"

I raised a brow as I stared in to the darkness which answered with a slightly pretentious attitude, "Your grade," it said with a roll of the 'r.'

"Oh, right, right- gotcha," I muttered to myself before confidently saying, "I'll be a freshman."

"A freshman?" The voice said with surprise and a slight chuckle. "Why, aren't WE ambitious."

I bit my tongue from spitting back a clever (and sure to lose my chance at the full-scholarship) comment and instead offered a cheesy smile in the direction I imagined the voice's owner was seated.

A moment of silence filled the air as the hairs stood up on my body from the sudden cold. The leotard I was wearing suddenly felt constricting as I stood now instead feeling naked up on the empty stage. I glanced around myself to fill the time before the voice at last spoke again. "Your desired program?"

"Performance Art, heavy on movement." The words free-floated out of my mouth as if they'd been programmed in my brain. My body pumped with adrenaline with each second that ticked by until the voice cleared it's throat and spoke clearly up to the light booth.

"Roll music for 32," it called out and I scrambled on the stage to take my dramatic pose.

I stood center stage, one arm outstretched so my bicep could cover my face; my fingers splayed out in a tight jazz hand. My other arm reached over to rest on top of my head with my hand wrapped around my ear. Carefully, I stepped one foot forward and then crouched down to wait for the music I'd practiced to so many times before.

 _Focus on the moves, Helga. Focus on the FEELINGS,_ I told myself as I patiently waited while my muscles tightened in my pose. _Remember why you choreographed this in the FIRST place._

The sound system crackled for a moment as the track began to play- the familiar bass bumping loudly through the speakers to keep the beat opposite of the high snare-sounding effect that signaled the begin of my counts.

I held my pose through each beat while desperately waiting for my cue of the beginning to my dance.

 _Hold it... hold it..._ I coached myself until at last I allowed to let the music take me over.

I burst from my pose at the sounds of sweeping piano breaking through the music- my body blooming on the stage into a releve up towards the ceiling. I reached as high as I could as if I could touch the very sky itself before at last bringing my arms inward to my chest while collapsing my torso in as well. At the sound of the music skidding as if the track were being scratched, I slowly reached up while pushing off of my feet to twirl in an elegant spin that ultimately ended with my stepping out of it.

Words at last sang through the speakers, my moves following the every word and phrase I'd memorized ages ago back when I'd FIRST heard the song. The words had had a profound impact on me- the very dance I was performing in the city's old grand theater insPIRED by the words consuming my body with fluid motions I could no longer control.

 _Pull around, reach across, pull it in, jump up,_ I chanted each hint for my moves in my head as the words sang on through the speakers. _Sashay, sashay, stop, leap!_ My legs pushed me high into the air as I contorted into the proper arched back position; my right leg pointing out as my left leg kicked high behind me where it nearly touched my head. _Land. Out- and... pirouette-_ I focused on my spot up ahead in the darkness as my body spun itself around in four quick turns before I landed in a backwards step that I used to propel myself backwards in a back-bend that flipped me back up again to stare back out into the shadows.

I reached my hands up to grab at my face, _Right hand, left hand, drag doooooooown,_ I said with the words of the song as I 'melted' my body downward while pulling at my face; my eyes shutting softly as I felt each note resonate through my body with each dance move I followed through into the next.

 _Right arm out, left arm out,_ I chanted next while I reached out from my chest to the darkness, my eyes opening wide as if I were lost and looking for anyone who could help me. _Burst arms UP and AROUND step kick UP!_ I pushed my leg up through the air to do a split in the air; my leg just grazing my nose at it's height. My body froze then- my arms soon reaching up again on cue to help charade a dramatic smile coinciding with the lyric perfectly.

I dropped to the ground and rolled fluidly across the floor in a simple tumble only to stand myself back up and take two steps forward. After my second step, I dragged my back foot behind me slowly while turning over my shoulder to look behind me as if someone had been secretly watching from the wings- though only darkness stared back at me. _Step again, once more, face FORWARD_ I shouted in my head while snapping my body in the direction I'd internally instructed; the music dropping off as I'd expected in preparation for the next move.

 _Shake head RIGHT LEFT, look UP, reach arm up and pull it down slowly to the chest... linger, Helga, LINGER!_ My eyes focused up on the lights above me as if they were stars in the sky I could wish upon in a dark and dreary night.

I then snapped my right hand to hold the side of my head followed my left hand and then dramatically shook my head in my hands' grip to the right and left and then all the way around while I spun in a single spin over my right shoulder.

The repeat of the verse began again- this time more power bleeding through to each movement I made; a new fire burning throughout my body as I danced on the empty stage.

My thoughts roamed to why I had created each movement in the first place; what each brush-stroke that was my dance moves across the blank canvas of artistry I was performing before the darkness behind the stage's lights MEANT to me and meant to the entire song that had inspired it all.

 _Longing, the desire that fills my soul like lung that could never take in a full breath- lungs that could never be satiated by the air so void of your presence as it surrounds me. Your pools of emerald that stare back at me- eyes that beg to see through my earthly shell and into the soul that aches for your affection each waking moment of my young life._

I leaped across the stage in a combination of 'tricks' that felt like tiny surges of adrenaline exploding beneath my skin at each moves' completion. My chest heaved with the breaths my lungs screamed to take as I poured myself into every movement- each one meaning more than the last as the song continued through the speakers.

 _The consequences of our actions- the consequences of each hidden feeling and each missed opportunity we may have scrambled in the midst of discovering ourselves. Each of us with our agendas and desires fueling our flames- fueling the flame we've created._

The words dropped off at last into the instrumental I'd been waiting for- the segment of the song that somehow spoke to me despite it's lack of words to explain just what only music could make me understand.

I could FEEL it. I could feel my every muscle and the movements they were making for ME- for US. For the sake of art itSELF. I kicked up in the air only to swing it around and kick dramatically behind me; my back bending to touch my head to my toes as I extended my leg. Stepping back into the landing of my kick, I kicked directly out from my hip with my arms outstretched to either side of the stage and then pushed myself ahead with enough momentum to begin my long list of complicated pirouettes. I spun and spun, my head focusing on various spots with each spin I successfully made.

The room never became dizzy.

I was FOCUSED.

My eyes were dead locked ahead as I turned; each one faster than the last before I fizzled completely and slowed to a stop that I pretended discombobulated me in a frenzy of dramatics that only added to the dance itself. I dragged myself to the left of the stage, then the right, reached up in desperation before crumpling to the ground in a squat that lasted moments before I at last hopped up in a leap.

A small gasp came from the darkness and a smile spread across my face as I knew at last that the chance at this scholarship- MY chance at dancing away from Hillwood and all the memories it held for me was closer than I'd ever expected.

I pushed myself harder- kicking my leg higher to the air at the burst forth of music as the chorus bled through the speakers once again. I tiptoed up to the sky in a high releve before spinning quickly in a solid beam on the stage then landing in a low squat that held me powerfully on the stage. I lifted one toe at a time as I remained crouched down; my arms reached up to the sky before bending in towards one another then proceed through the series of poses I'd practiced in front of the mirror daily since booking my audition.

Once finishing that combination, I shut my eyes once more to focus again on the finale of my routine- the very heart and soul of the piece I'd choreographed for myself more than anyone else. It was an expression of love that brought tears to my eyes as I danced through it- tears that merely encouraged me to give this last bit everything I had before the dance was at last over and the message complete.

 _Paralyzed. Your love consumes me. Each breath that brushed against my skin lingers; my own breath locked away in my lungs where it waits to be released. The world slows around me and I see the world for what it really is while it suspends around me. I feel it- I reach out and touch it- try to drag it in to myself so it can run through my veins and become part of me. A love that will never die- a love that will hypnotize._

Drums at last disappeared from the speaker and I fell out of my turn to take a few dramatic steps forward; each step lowering me to the ground into a final pose as the music hummed on and on into its coming end.

 _Step drag foot. Step drag foot. Step, lower, slooooooowly,_ I told myself, my mind slowly bringing itself back into reality as the song slowed to it's eventual end. _Lower... knee to the ground, reach out-_ I extended my hand to where I hoped the director of scholarships was crying in complete AWE by now - _hold it... open your eyes, Helga._

I fluttered my eyelids open to see the familiar blinding lights shining back at me, my heart racing inside my chest.

 _You're done... You've DONE it,_ I cheered internally as I huffed through the pose while waiting for the mysterious voice to speak once again.

The track halted then- my pose still frozen on the stage. I held myself there- used every ounce of strength my now-tired body still possessed to remain still before the darkness that held my fate on a clipboard in their hands.

A paper flipped and I blinked twice at the bright light.

"Thank you, Miss Pataki. We'll be in touch."


	4. Car Radio

_**Car Radio- Twenty One Pilots**_

Who knew moving to the city would be so exciting and full of adventure?

Like how my radio was stolen out of my car. That was mighty fun and adventurous.

After all, what could possibly be more adventurous than sitting in your silent car? Sitting in your silent car where you're finally forced to sit and listen to the thoughts roaming wild in my head at the opportunity to at last be heard?

Things like _what if?_ Thoughts like _what IF I hadn't done that?_ Memories cloud my mind as I drive in the silence that screams so loudly. _How could you do that? WHY would you do that? How could you have allowed yourself to be manipulated so easily?_

I dared to glance over at the empty slot that taunted me of once melodies that allowed me to ignore all that I am and all that I've done.

My empty words screamed inside my skull while I calmly brought my cigarette up to my lips; steering all the while near carelessly on the seemingly bleak and black road ahead of me. With a deep inhale of the cancerous stick, I sucked in all that my lungs could handle. As if ablaze inside my chest, I slowly let out the smoke I'd filled myself with in an effort at relaxing my muscles as they'd been tense all day.

All week really. Well, month.

How about monthS as in plural as in 3 solid months of anxiety and frustration and anger at the world I felt had let me down. Not only had the world let me down, _I'd_ let myself down and somehow that was even worse.

My eyes fluttered over to the empty slot staring back at me with a hollow smile. With a bite of my lip, I forced my eyes back onto the road where they rightfully should have been all along.

But it was too tempting. It was all I could do not to look at that hole; that hole in my car matching that of the metaphorical hole in my chest that burned with every intake of air rather than that of each of my nicotine-infused puffs.

 _Somebody stole my car radio, and now I just sit in silence._

My mind felt cluttered as if words were etching themselves on the walls of my mind. It was as if I were being swallowed whole with every beat of my heart. It gulped me down into the black abyss of regret and it was there that I sat, in the reality of my life, in silence.

 _If only I'd done things different. If only I'd been smart enough to-_

 _Stop! Shut up_

"Shut up, shut up, SHUDDUP!" I shouted aloud while banging on the steering wheel once.

The silence answered me; it's answer that of nothing.

Moving the wheel appropriately with my drive ahead, I took my hand that wasn't holding my cigarette and attempted to run my hands through my hair; instead taking my hat off in a bundle.

With a purse of my lips, I squeezed the beanie tight in my iron grip and gritted my teeth while holding back that giant swallow begging to let go and allow the waterworks to burst forth into an embarrassing, pathetic sort of mess.

Instead, my eyes drifted once more to the empty slot staring back at me, taunting me, with its jarring open jaw. The emptiness of the slot with fragments of wires bounced with the car and I frowned.

Empty.

Why are THINGS allowed to be empty? And yet people are not. How is it not a reasonable answer to tell another person they feel empty without being told you are now insulting them because they are there so I shouldn't be empty.

But they aren't me.

They don't know my thoughts and my every memory or every fear my mind controls my body with.

But is silence really nothing? Mine isn't. My silence screams and aches and yearns for a redo or a go backsies or really just a time machine so I didn't have to face the failure I could no longer hide for myself. This silence is violent with its memories that come to head with it. Silence allows it all to come out; all the violent thoughts and all the frustrating moments in present and future that dance around me in a vigorous tango eluding me from reality.

My eyes gravitated towards the empty slot.

"Stupid car," I muttered to myself. I hated this car. It didn't help that now the damned radio was gone. Completely gone. It was a 2003 beater that I had gotten for cheap since Bob hadn't wanted to shell out much more for lil ole me.

But since the moment I'd driven it, I hated it. I hated this car. I hated this life. I hated this stupid situation that had brought me to this moment here in my car.

 _I could turn the steering wheel…_

My thoughts were immediately redirected to the slot gaping at me with tendrils of wires pointed in jagged directions like the train of my thoughts.

 _Cause somebody stole my car radio and now I just sit in silence._

Normally I'd never have even considered a pull of the wheel into here or there, but the silence grabs you and my pride is broken. My situation threw my pride under the bus and now I'm just left to sit in silence.

But it's hard to keep the thoughts away when there's nothing to shut them all up. There's no sound to mask that of my darker thoughts, the ones I reserve to late dawn when nobody is awake or cares.

I just wish I could stop- wish I could stop thinking, stop moving, stop dealing for five minutes but somebody stole my car radio and now I'm forced to sit in silence. Forced to sit and think about my movements and my regrets. I'm forced to sit and ponder all life's great tragedies; my dwindling faith. My lack of sleep.

But if I slept then I'm afraid I'd never want to get up.

"Seriously, Helga, just stop, it's too much it's too deep it's too distracting from the distraction you've already put yourself in and you don't even have the stupid radio to blast away my thinking. I could listen to somebody else's problems…" I frowned and stared at the road ahead of me.

But somebody else's problems aren't going to take my own away, I found myself thinking before glancing again to the radio's shell staring out at me.

"Couldn't you have taken somebody ELSE'S radio, huh?!" I screamed before taking a deep breath through my nose and then bringing the cigarette back to my lips and exhaling before inflating my lungs once more with the final puff of the stick while shaking my head.

Then, with a flick of my fingers, I tossed the butt out the window and continued my drive.

My silent drive.

Because somebody stole my car radio and now I just sit in silence.

* * *

 _ **Please review! I wasn't specific about what Helga is going through for a reason. Mostly as these are a lot of my feelings and my only way to cope with getting fired from my job.**_

 _ **AND, as always, please be sure to check out "Car Radio" by Twenty One Pilots for the full experience. this song goes in time with the lyrics so it'll be beneficial and help further the story for you. please enjoy and review! I really do appreciate it.**_

 _ **-Polka**_


	5. I Hate You I Love You & This Town Mashup

**Hey** _ **all! So with this next songfic, i did something a little different.**_

 __Plain Font = Helga

 _It_ _alic font =_ Arnold

 _ **Bold Italic Font**_ = Both Arnold and Helga

 _ **And as in everything, please review once you are done as I love the feedback and with what i did to this fic, I'd love to know what you thought of this fic in particular. so here we go! And also, please, PLEASE go listen to this song as it is TRULY wonderful and just amazing. so good. good stuff.**_

* * *

 _ **I Hate You I Love You/This Town (Acoustic Mashup)**_

 _ **By: Landon Austin and Morgan McCollum**_

Look at him, sitting there and staring at her as if she's some sort of special somebody when REALLY she's just some smarty pants buck-toothed slut who goes her way through boyfriends like the queen Bee of a goddamn hive.

I stared at him, my eyes glued to his head as it turned to look at Morgan who wasn't really all that bad but seemed all the more worse now that she was dating Arnold and I wasn't.

Five months of this I'd had to endure of watching them hold hands and embrace before my very eyes that it made me feel sick and exposed in a way I'd never felt before; as if the world was laughing at me from all angles.

The whole thing made me feel used; like old news from an ancient times paper hardly sold anymore. It made the sting burn worse when I knew this whole time that she isn't right for him; hardly a soul mate and more of a class mate.

Not like I'd been to him.

Not like I miss him.

Not like I spent each moment of every second imagining how wonderful we fit together like two puzzle pieces finally found their oddly-shaped partner for life.

But I guess not anymore.

 _Her kisses weren't nearly the same as Helga's. It was because her lips weren't as smooth and full as Helga's had been. Even so, kissing isn't the only thing to a relationship, but it certainly added and it made me FEEL her in ways that a human can't feel another; her trembling lips, her quickly-intake of breaths, it was the physical things I wasn't used to seeing in Helga that I loved. It was getting to know her through each organ that made me know she fit me perfectly._

 _It seemed._

I mean, it'd been five months already, shouldn't I just give it all up? Shouldn't I just forget each of our heavenly kisses and sensual touches and every conversation that just made me love the kid more with each passing moment?

I can't even say why it all matters so much. Probably because I'm still hopelessly in love with Arnold and that has a tendency to cloud any logical thinking left in my brain.

I stared at Arnold as he looked at his new girlfriend and sighed.

If only he realized how much I needed him.

 _I just wish I'd told you everything the first time we gave it a go, I found myself thinking. It isn't like I don't remember how we fell in love in the first place, all those years ago when our paths crossed that very first time the world thrust us together. I still remember us as those kids on that playground and it makes me think maybe this was a mistake, us leaving each other._

 _We were such a great pair then even when you hated me so much. It all seemed so much easier back then, being together. The façade never fooled me on that playground and in class._

 _ **Wish I was back there again now.**_

Wish I was there on that stupid playground where the world could fool us into innocence only 10-year-olds can believe in. Wish I was back in that jungle helping you in ways you never expected or ever imagined. Wish I was back there in your arms like all those months ago as we played scrabble with your family over and over again.

But criminy, I hate you for all you've done to me; all you've put me through and yet I love you with the passion of a thousand suns. I hate that I love you but nothing can ever seem to stop me from you and your stupid football-head even if it is staring at somebody other than me.

But it's _her_ you want now, not me, and even if I never accept that, it doesn't mean I can't wish I was her; wish I was yours again.

 _Morgan is sweet and nice but even when I look at her and each feature on her face, I don't see the ones that I want to see. That button nose or those prominent eyebrows. Those soft tendrils of blonde hair that smell of strawberries though she'd never eat one in a million years._

 _God, I miss her, even if I don't want to admit it._

 _Nothing about Morgan is like Helga, the more that I look at her. I stare at her hands with fingernails perfectly polished with a sea-green blue that matched her sweater. I see each detail and inwardly sigh at all the mistakes I've made._

 _What has our last five months been? What has it been for? By our five month, Helga and I had taken many-a-date to places both public and private. Places like Dinoland, the movies, her house (oddly enough) and my own. There were nights we'd drive around town for no reason and end up at the beach where we'd stick our toes into the water and stare up at the stars in the sky for hours just talking about what each one wanted to say._

 _I wonder if she even remembers any of that, or even cares. Does she miss me like I miss her? I let my feelings go with her when we broke up and I'm afraid they'll never return the way they should. It's almost as if I've attached myself to her._

 _But friends is all we've settled on and friends don't feel how I obviously still feel. Friends can still break your heart and at the end of the day when I'm with Morgan, all I want is to run away and find Helga at our spot on the beach to stargaze once more and hear her musings on life all over again._

 _It seems these days that I'm always tired, but never of her._

I'd take all the embarrassment of our breaking up in the first place, and all the stares and mutters if it meant I could be with him again. Even if it meant doing something mildly ridiculous just to sway his mind a thought or two. It was as if my mind danced in circles around inside my skull; screaming at me all the while.

 _ **Everything comes back to you.**_

 _In fact, even just being AROUND her made it hard to stand still at times; as if I were floating away with only her to hold onto. My stomach danced in flurries with the butterflies that went wild when I brushed passed her in the hallways and caught wind of her light body spray of vanilla and lavender, and that mesmerizing strawberry shampoo. All of the feelings I felt for Helga were things I should be feeling for Morgan, and yet, I didn't and part of me didn't even care._

 _In fact, most of me didn't care that my mind seemed to revolve around Helga; I just didn't know what to do about it._

 _ **It was like everything comes back to you.**_

But it didn't even matter because here I was, all alone, sitting in the cafeteria staring hopelessly at the soon-to-be couple-of-the-year with the way he stared at her; even just now before my eyes. He was long over me, it appeared, and he probably never even cared in the first place anyway.

So why was I just SITTING here taking it? Why sit here and watch him watch her like she's the only thing he's ever seen? How is it he doesn't even notice me here eyeing him, very openly might I add, and not see that it's killing me inside; how our whole break-up that is, as if it never even meant a thing to him?

He was such a prick! Such a complete waste-of-time to think about, that Arnold. I hated him, that was for sure. He was nothing to me and that was the only truth I should believe in if anything and yet, I loved him with everything I had like some groupie in the eternal Helga-only fan club.

 _So why wasn't I out there giving everything I had trying to get her back? Why wasn't I out there trying to win her affections towards me again when I'd been so cruel as to end this the way I did? And what did I do about Morgan who I'd spent nearly a half-of-a-year with and had not nearly as many feelings as I should for her like I did Helga?_

So I hated him. So I loved him. Big deal. They were feelings I'd been privy to knowing since the bright young ages of 3 and up. I hate that I loved Arnold the way I did even though I knew there wasn't a damned thing I could do about it. It was just who I was and how it seemed it would always be. Everything in my life would revolve around Arnold.

 _ **Everything will always just come back to you.**_

Even if it means I spend the rest of my life hate/loving the weird headed freak, it seemed to be the fate I have been destined to have.

 _And I'll have to just deal with those annoying butterflies for a while more if I have to stick out this relationship with Morgan until I can figure out what it is I'm going to do._

I'll never figure out this whole teenage-angst thing the rate I'm going. I'll be stuck in this limbo, this rut that is all the hatred and adoration I have for this kid.

 _ **Why does everything have to come back to you?**_

I glanced down at my hands and chipped away at a nail on my finger while muttering to myself, "I hate you so much and yet I love you," chip, "love you," chip, chip, "freaking stupidly moronically love you," chip, chip, chip.

I hated that he was doing this to me, making me want him so badly even now, six months later since we'd officially ended it all. How did he have such an esffect on me that I should want him so badly even after all that happened? Shouldn't I be angry? Shouldn't I be angry and not still madly in love, butterflies and all?

 _ **No matter what I do, everything comes back to you. And I just don't know what to do.**_

* * *

 _ **Hey guys, thanks for reading this fic and please give a review so I know what you think and DEFINITELY give this song a listen because IT IS AMAZING.**_

 _ **-Polka**_


	6. Sadie Hawkins Dance

**_"Sadie Hawkins Dance"- Reliant K_**

 _Sadie Hawkins dance, in my khaki pants, there's nothing better, oh oh oh. The girls ask the guys, it's always a surprise, there's nothing better baby do you like my sweater?_

Seventh grade was hard enough without the threat of so many new people, new teachers and of course, school dances. Granted, we'd had a few school dances back in elementary school, but the pressure to have a date to them here in middle school was so extreme that it was hard to ignore. And with the first school dance approaching, I couldn't ignore it much longer.

Especially with the nature of this year's first school dance.

" _Attention, attention students of our fabulous middle school," Rhonda's voice rang over the PA system during lunch and most people kept chattering but Gerald and I quieted from our conversation; curious as to what it was that Rhonda had to say._

" _This is Rhonda Wellington Lloyd of the School Dance Comity pleased to announce to you today the theme of this year's first school dance."_

 _I looked to Gerald who was already rolling his eyes and giving me 'that look' of boredom and uncaring as to just what the theme was as he was never really into school dances._

" _What do you think it'll be?" I asked and he shrugged his shoulders._

" _Who cares, man? It's just a school dance. I know who I'll ask anyway." He said as Rhonda's voice rang over the cafeteria once again._

" _This years theme is none other than a good ole fashioned Sadie Hawkins Dance," She said as both Gerald and I perked up at the name. "Which, for those of you who DON'T know, means that the ladies are in charge of asking who to bring to the dance. So ladies, if you're listening, choose wisely and choose fast before your guy is swiped up by the competition."_

 _I glanced at Gerald who's eyes were wider than saucers. "You okay, Gerald?"_

" _Shhh," He demanded and I quieted up so we could hear the remainder of Rhonda's announcement._

" _And gentlemen," Rhonda continued, "try your best to be patient and have fun. This is the girl's chance now to ask YOU out for once. Let them enjoy it. It will take place on no other than next Friday so get your affairs in order my fellow classmates. The clock is ticking, ladies. That is all." Static took over where her voice once was before it altogether went silent and the chatter of the cafeteria resumed to fill our ears though mine were ringing._

 _A Sadie Hawkins dance... Girls ask the guys... oh boy..._

I walked with Gerald down the hallway as we wandered blindly to our next class that we shared together; my eyes dancing around at all the girls chattering about as they watched us and other guys, pointing and laughing to each other and I couldn't help but feel the heat of my body migrate to that of my cheeks as we walked. I knew who I _wanted_ to ask me, but would she?

"So man, you scared about this Sadie Hawkins thing?" Gerald asked and I tore myself away from all the giggling girls to look over at Gerald.

"Not really scared, I would say. More... anxious." I said and he nodded his head while adjusting his backpack straps on his shoulders.

"I'm excited. Ladies asking the men out. Mm mm MM it sure is exhilarating. No pressure. No having to impress anyone. Just have to be yourself and hope somebody asks you. And somebody WILL ask me. I mean, I'm a regular ladies man." He said with a beaming smile and I chuckled.

"Sure you are, Gerald," I said while turning to look at a group of girls running into the bathroom together. I could only imagine who they were talking about in there. All of their options on who to take to the Sadie Hawkins. My ears where burning as we kept on walking; a smile on my face but my mind in another place entirely.

What if she doesn't ask me? What if another girl does? Would I have the heart to turn the other girl down? And if I did, what if nobody else asks me? Would I have to go alone to the dance? How pathetic would _that_ be? My mind raced as we walked to English class and I couldn't help but focus on the details of the dance, even though I was due to give a speech that I was highly unprepared for.

And of course, I was first on the list to go.

"Arnold Shortman?" The teacher called out and I slinked out of my chair to shakily take my paper up to the front of the class and give my speech in front of everyone.

I cleared my throat. "Women empowerment, while a great movement, has only been around since the last century or so. Women have always been encouraged to stand by the sidelines and follow men, but since the 19th century, have really begun to shine and try to show that gender isn't all it's cracked up to be." I began and I tried to focus on the words written on my page, but it was hard given all the girls staring at me with dreamy eyes in the classroom.

 _Why were they staring at me like that? Was this really all because of the Sadie Hawkins dance? Or was my speech really just that good?_ I found myself wondering as I continued to read the words written on my sheet of paper. _Surely most of these people have never even noticed me before today let alone the entire year up until today. Could the dance really have such an effect on people?_ But the more I thougt about it, the more I continued to blindly read my speech and before I knew it I was done and an eruption of applause broke out in the classroom, mostly led by the girls, and unknowing what to do, I bowed before them, only making them clap more.

What had gotten into them?

* * *

Lunch approached and I was all by myself due to Gerald having to meet with the school counselor about changing one of his classes. It was rough because I always ate with Gerald and I didn't really know where to sit. Sure, I had a lot of friends that I could eat with, but since Middle School, nobody really intermingled anymore. The cliques were set and mostly everyone ate with the people they were strict friends with.

Once I got my food, I scanned the cafeteria looking for anywhere that I could sit. We had a rather large cafeteria, one that had large windows showing the football field out back and plenty of seating that was already completely filled to the brim. I spotted a seat by the cheerleaders and football players and awkwardly, I made my way over to them to take a seat with them and sat down beside Rhonda, head cheerleading captain. She glanced over to me with an odd gaze before Harold stood up from beside her and made his way over to me.

"Whattya think YOU'RE doing, Awnold?" He asked and I gazed up at him, now bigger than he'd ever been before.

"Eating," I replied nonchalantly and he picked me up by my collar and held a fist up by my face.

"Are you looking for a beating?" He asked and I shook slightly, confused by his sudden fury.

"Harold, I'm your friend, you don't have to do this..." I tried to reason with him but the hierarchy of cliques had gotten into his mind and he shook his head.

"Oh but I do. You see, _Awnold,_ THIS is the table reserved for the Football players and the Cheerleaders. Has been and always WILL be, you got that?" He said. "Now, why don't you go move to sit over by Eugene and the other freaks?"

I shook my head, determined to get through to him. "I'm staying right here."

He cracked his knuckles with his singular fist and my eyes widened as I realized he wasn't kidding anymore. Harold was lost to the clique he was now apart of. Everyone was as they stood by and watched what was about to happen. Quickly, I pushed Harold off of me, and took off out of the cafeteria and ran out, running down the hallway as fast as my legs would take me, terrified that I'd be followed and uncaring that I'd left my food at the table. Who cares? I wasn't in the mood to eat it anymore anyways.

I ran, faster than lightening, running down the hallways that were empty from anyone to bother me. I rounded a corner, only to run in head-on to someone and fall flat on my back.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry," I stuttered out while trying to get up only to see someone so stunning that I stopped altogether.

"It's fine," she said and her blue eyes mesmerized me from where I now stood, frozen. "Oh," she said. "It's only you football-head."

"Hey, Helga." I said, still in a trance and suddenly nervous. We hadn't spoken in a while. Since the sixth grade when we tried 'dating' in the best way a sixth grader could only to break up, we hadn't talked much and I'd regretted it ever since.

"Hey," she said while wringing her hands together.

"You uh, you aren't at lunch?" I asked and she shook her head.

"N-no. I uh, I like to eat as fast as I can and book the heck out of there to uh... to write... and stuff." She said awkwardly and I nodded my head.

"You've always been a great writer." I said and she narrowed her eyes in my direction.

"Who asked YOU anyway?" She demanded and I held my hands up in surrender.

"It's just a compliment, Helga," I said and she nodded her head, her defenses coming down some.

"Right," she said, "I'm trying to learn how to take those."

"It's okay," I said, "They can be hard to take sometimes."

We stood in silence for a moment, the two of us staring down at the floor but catching glimpses of one another in between. After a few minutes, Helga spoke up.

"So that Sadie Hawkins dance thing coming up," She started and I reached up to rub at the back of my neck.

"Yeah... next Friday, is it?" I asked, knowing very well the date.

"Has anyone asked you?"

My heart began to race as I hoped I knew what this was leading up to.

"No, no one has asked me." I responded and she nodded her head before taking a deep breath.

"Well, you're GOING, aren't you?" She demanded and I shrugged my shoulders.

"I guess so." I said and her fists clenched at her sides before releasing as she took another deep breath.

"You'd better have a date then, or you'll stick out like a sore thumb," She said and I nodded my head.

"I suppose so, yeah." I said before she changed her tune.

"Then you're going. And you're going with ME." She insisted and a smile spread across my face.

"Alright, Helga. I'll go with you." I responded.

"You will?"

"Yeah," I said with a sly smile spreading across my face. "On one condition."

"Oh yeah, Hair Boy, and what's that?" She asked with her hands on her hips.

"You let us have another chance. Even though we're only in seventh grade, and even though it didn't work out too well the last time and even though-"

"Deal," she said quickly and my eyes widened at her quickness to agree to my bargain.

"Then it's a date?" I said while offering her my hand.

She eyed my hand for a moment before taking it and nodding her head. "It's a date."

 _Sadie Hawkins dance, in my khaki pants, there's nothing better, oh oh oh. The girls ask the guys, it's always a surprise, there's nothing better baby do you like my sweater?_

* * *

 ** _This was fun to write as this was always one of my favorite songs growing up. please leave a review and let me know what you think!_**

 ** _-Polka_**


	7. Here

**_"Here"-Alessia Cara_**

 ** _(Preferably, 2:00am Version)_**

I hate parties. They never really were my thing and I found them uninteresting and they made me feel indifferent because they just weren't anything that I felt connected to. I wasn't into drinking my life away, I'd seen that firsthand with my own mom, and I didn't like to dance all that much, at least not in front of other people. The only reason I was here was because Gerald had asked Phoebe to come with him and Phoebe didn't want to go alone so here I was, sitting on a couch, waiting to go home the minute I got here.

Ugh.

Honestly, I'd rather be at home all by myself not in this room with people who could care less about my own well-being. They don't care. I've been sitting on this couch for a while now and nobody has said so much as a 'hello' to me and frankly, that's fine with me. They're all concerned with how much alcohol they can shove down their throats and while that's not my game, who am I to try and stop them? They'll just go ahead and do it anyway. I just hoped Phoebe wasn't messed up in this nonsense.

A guy stumbled over to me, at long last, and offered me a wavering hand, only to be noticed as Curly with a red cup in hand. "Care to dance my fine senorita?" He asked and I waved him away.

"I don't dance, Curly," I said and he shook his head.

"No, no, no," He slurred, "I've, I've seen you in, in, in my ballet classes. You d-dance just, just fine." He managed and I rolled my eyes while crossing my legs and arms simultaneously.

"I think I'll just sit here and watch all you buffoons do whatever it is you call 'dancing.'" I said and he shrugged his shoulders.

"Whatever," he said, "Your loss," and with that he turned around and pranced off to do whatever it was he was off to do next. Hopefully bother someone else as I wasn't in the mood.

No, I'd just sit here somewhere lost under the clouds of smoke that Stinky and Sid were blowing off from their bong while Eugene hollered from behind the couch after tripping over the coffee table and banging his knee on something I didn't know of. Figured, class klutz and all. This place was a living mess. It was like an untamed zoo that I was privy of being in the middle of. I was the lone zookeeper in the midst of animals running wild. And I hated every second of it.

And the worst part? The music was bumping the house so loudly that I could barely even hear myself THINK. And it wasn't even GOOD music. It was that tasteless sort of rap that I could hardly stand where all they do is talk about how rich they are and the amazing lives they lead. Who wants to listen to that crap anyway? No, anyone who asked could just tell Phoebe that I'd be over here.

Just sitting over here.

 _What the hell was I even DOING here?_

Rhonda approached me, her house being the one that I was stuck in, her glass shaking in her manicured hand as she took a seat next to me and crossed her legs. "So Helga, how are you enjoying my party?" she asked and I shrugged my shoulders.

"Well, to be frank Princess, it kinda blows." I said and she let her mouth go agape and held a hand over it to stun her surprise.

"Wow, Helga, that's awfully rude of you to say." She grumbled and I sighed.

"I dunno, I mean, excuse me for being rather unimpressed with all this, being a bit of an antisocial pessimist and all, but usually I don't get involved with parties like this. Sorry to burst your fancy bubble." I said and she shook her head while tsking her tongue against the roof of her mouth.

"I'm sorry if it doesn't quite live up to your expectations-" She began but I stopped her dead in her tracks.

"Look, it isn't even that, it's just, I know you mean the best and all, and your intentions aren't to bother me but honestly I'd rather be anywhere else with my friends just listening to my OWN music and chilling with all of them ANYWHERE but here," I said while shaking my head. "I'm into talking and discussing things, intellectual things, not drinking my troubles away and making a fool of myself for the public to see."

This seemed to halt her as she didn't know quite what to say in response to my words. With a scoff, she stood up, cup still in hand, and took off for the kitchen where I was sure she would just stand around and gossip some more about me and how rude I was along with all of her other friends the way she typically does whenever Miss Rhonda Wellington Lloyd has an audience to listen to her and her self-absorbing words.

Nope, I was fine with just sitting and waiting here.

That is, until the sound of retching erupted from just beside me and I turned my head to see Eugene throwing up into a plant because he clearly couldn't take what was in his cup anymore and I shook my head while scooting over on the couch away from the throwing up that was taking place just feet away from me.

"My God," I said to myself, "What am I still doing here?" I asked myself before standing up and wandering away from the already horrible smell and finally deciding after being here at least a few hours, to leave the couch and part through the sea of grinding teens to make my way to the kitchen for a glass of water.

Of course, there was a congregation of people around Rhonda who was telling stories of her mass variety of haters, as if she had so many. I reached for a red cup and got a glass of water from the fridge which I pounded down faster than a shot like so many of the teens around me were taking in succession. Once I threw the cup out, I went through the crowd searching for Phoebe to let her know I was done with this party.

"Phoebe?!" I hollered out above the music. "Pheebs?!" I continued to scream, though she was nowhere to be found. That's when I ran into him, the one and only, Arnold.

"Arnold?" I asked and he looked at me in shock.

"Helga?" He asked, completely sober.

"What are YOU of all people doing here?" I asked and he shrugged his shoulders.

"I guess I thought this would be fun." He said and I scoffed.

"Yeah, well that makes two of us." I replied while crossing my arms.

"You come here with Phoebe?" He asked and I nodded my head.

"Yeah. She wanted some support on her first date with Gerald. Honestly, I should have never come to ?" I asked and he smiled that warm smile of his that makes my spine tingle down to my very core.

"Same, but with Gerald." He responded and I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Guess you're stuck here too then, huh?" I asked above the music as loudly as I could and he nodded his head while hollering above the music as well.

"Sure am. Wish I wasn't though. It's a little loud for me."

"You uh... You wanna get out of here?" I asked while shaking slightly at my sudden boldness and he considered my offer but ultimately shook his head.

"Nah, I'd better stay here. Where will you go?" He asked and I shrugged my shoulders.

"Think I'll just wait in the car, I guess." I yelled and he nodded his head.

"You want I should tell Phoebe?" He shouted and I agreed.

"Yeah, would you?" I asked and he responded immediately with another smile.

"Of course."

With a nod, I turned to head back into the living room and paused by the television to pull my beanie down over my ears to keep them warm as I was about to enter into the cold of winter to sit in the car.

Call me a party pooper, but I was over this soiree. I didn't know why I was here, and I didn't want to be here any longer. I was over the drinking and the grinding and the music and the smoke and the entire atmosphere that was Rhonda Lloyd's party. It was too much for me. So with another glance around the chaos, I left her mansion without another thought and headed for the car. Sure it was cold out, but it was silent. And silence was good. It gave me a chance to be with my thoughts and to be without all the craziness that was what it was like inside.

It was fine, and I was fine. I'd much rather wait here than in there.

When Pheebs was ready, I'd be ready because I'd just be waiting right here.

* * *

 _ **This is one of my favorite songs of all time and i've always wanted to write it into a songfic so please leave me a review and let me know what you think!**_

 _ **-Polka**_


	8. All I Wanted

**_"All I Wanted"- Daughter_**

 ** _(From Life is Strange: Before the Storm Soundtrack)_**

I sat up in my bed and sighed. Another day of school to go to and another day to endure. I reached over and grabbed for my phone which had been sitting on the nightstand and sighed while checking my Facebook to wake myself up. The light blinded me as I scrolled through my notifications that had popped up from the night before.

"Lame, lame, game request, poke- who even still DOES That? Game request, relati-" I stopped mid-word and stared at the relationship status change that looked back at me.

Arnold Shortman is now in a complicated relationship with you.

I sighed.  
That's ONE way to put it.

I stared at the phone's light as it shined back at me and took a deep breath while encouraging myself to get up. "You'll be alright. It's alright. I'll be alright."

But who could say that? How could I say that if be alright when all I'd wanted was to be with Arnold? All I'd ever wanted was to be wanted by him and once I was, I managed to screw it all up somehow.

I pushed myself out of bed and swung my legs around the edge to get myself to a standing position, then made my way to the mirror where I stared at the puffy-eyed face looking back at me. It hadn't even been ten minutes yet and I was already crying. My tears stained my face as they silently dropped down my cheeks as I stood still on my bedroom floor.

I had no thoughts. My mind felt empty before my eyes wandered about the same dreary walls of the room I'd had since I was a kid. Stupid and boring. There was nothing here for me; nothing out there for me either.

Nothing without Arnold.

But we were in a 'complicated relationship' so that meant there was still hope for us yet, didn't it? All that I wanted, all that love and adoration and mutual desire, it wasn't unwanted. But still I wondered why it was that Arnold could even think he may not want me.

All that I wanted seemed not to be there anymore, but still I dared to be wanted.

I closed my eyes and imagined back to yesterday; the day that it all changed. I could see the hallway we stood in, the lockers lining the corridor, yet there was nobody standing there with us- it was just Arnold and me, unlike that day at all. We stood there, staring at each other, his eyes locked with mine in a staredown that wasn't harsh or hateful but more sad and full of a longing I couldn't fill. All of a sudden, he broke the silence between us and called out, "Helga!"

I opened my eyes to see my reflection once again, Bob's voice being the voice from my daydream that had plucked me right out of it. "Helga! Are you planning on coming down here and answering me or what?"

I sighed and mustered a response, "Yes dad," I said with heavy acidity in my tone before rushing to get dressed and hurrying down the steps but not for him.

I was going to be late for school.

* * *

I sat in class, itching to leave and go to the bathroom but we were in the middle of a test and I couldn't just LEAVE. This was a big deal kind of test- the kind that was responsible for half your grade kind of test.

And I wasn't even halfway done because my mind kept drifting to that of stupid Hair Boy and our stupid relationship.

I cared for him so much and the thing was I knew he cared for me at least close to equally as much. I wanted to find him and open my arms at him and scream that I loved him. Just open my entire soul to him and tell him who I was and that I couldn't live without him. But why bother? Would it even change his mind? Would it even make him think about going back to being in a relationship with me?

Knock it off, Helga, I told myself. There's no use in mourning a relationship that isn't even over yet. At least not completely. I had to keep telling myself that. I had to. Or I would surely go insane.

I squirmed in my seat a bit more, the need to go to the bathroom strong in my bladder as I decided it was high time to ditch this test and head for the bathroom afterall.

Raising my hand, the teacher came to my side and I quickly asked if I could have a pass to go to the bathroom. With an exasperated sigh, she whipped out her passbook and wrote me one with haste before going to another raised hand on the opposite end of the classroom. With pass in hand, I stood up from my desk and made my way into the hallway in search of the bathroom just down the hall.

After relieving myself, I decided to take a well-earned stroll down the empty halls, the silence surrounding me comforting to my thoughts as I tapped the pass on my left hand with each step I took.

Just as I rounded the corner though, I ran into another body hard, and fell back from the blow to land on my butt. "Hey!" I shouted at the one who ran into me, "watch where you're going!"

"Sorry, Helga," Arnold mumbled while pushing himself up and offering me a hand. "I didn't see you coming."

Taking his hand to let him help me pull myself up, I stood talk and brushed my body off, "yeah well you can't really see around CORNERS now can you, Arnoldo?" I asked and he smirked slightly.

"You've got a point there," he stated with a point of his finger and I nodded my head once while chewing on my lip feeling awkward as I stood in front of him.

Clearly, he must have too because he shifted from one foot to the other a few times before clearing his throat and speaking, "So what are you doing out of class?" He asked and I shrugged my shoulders while shoving my hands deep into my pockets.

"Just the usual," I announced while looking around us at the empty hallway, "avoiding a sociology test and all. You?"

Arnold chuckled and showed me his hall pass. "Bathroom." He simply said and I nodded my head while inwardly beating myself up for not just saying bathroom in the first place.

Not like it would have mattered all that much.

"It's funny I ran into you, actually," Arnold said at my silence and I glanced up at him and raised my brow.

"Yeah? Why's that?" I wondered and he rubbed at the back of his neck for a moment before he explained.

"Well I wanted to know if you would come over tonight to uh... to talk about some uh... some stuff. Regarding us and all."

I frowned and folded my arms over my chest. "Yeah? Well since I'm here and all, how about you just spill your guts now? I can take it."

Arnold's eyes widened as he looked at me, obviously unprepared for this answer and he swallowed hard before speaking again. "Okay..." he started out. "I guess I just, I just wanted to know I mean, well, where we are standing right now."

"In the hallway, doi" I responded quickly though Arnold didn't find my retort very humorous. I sighed and finally gave him a proper response. "I guess we stand wherever YOU want us to stand, Arnold."

This took Arnold by surprise and he raised his brow. "You don't have anywhere you would like us to be?" He asked and it took all I had not to laugh in his giant, football-shaped face.

"You want my opinion?" I asked before planting my feet and placing my hands on my hips, "I'd LIKE to be WITH you and not just in some complicated relationship. In a REAL relationship. Like we USED to be. I don't know what's so COMPLICATED that you had to change your status and let the whole world know we were having a bit of a rough patch."

Arnold sighed, shoving his hands gawkily in his pockets. "You need to learn how to love yourself before you can love me, Helga. We've talked about this."

I shook my head and clenched my teeth. "You don't GET it football-head. I'm WORTHLESS okay? Worthless! How can I love that?" Arnold stood frozen and I stared at him for a long while before throwing my arms up in the air and demanded for him to answer. "Well? Answer! Hey!"

"If you can't, how am I supposed to?" Arnold asked me and my lip trembled as I fought back tears at the remembering of the conversation we'd just had nights ago. This very same conversation. And how it had ended.

"You're supposed to because...because...you just... you just ARE!" I exclaimed though he merely looked at me through a half-lidded gaze and licked his lips preparing to say more.

"Is that just how you see yourself? Useless? Or is that how you think others see you?" He asked me and I raised a brow at him.

"Huh?" I managed and he merely shook his head and continued.

"Because if it's the latter, then you need to know that it's crucial that you see the _truth_ when looking for yourself not useless observations," he advised and I let my brow down to relax my expression as his words sunk into my skull.

Was that what I'd been doing? Letting what I thought others thought of me take control of my mind? Because if I had, that was weak and straight-up dumb of me to do so. I was my own person and that meant I could CHOOSE what I thought and I could CHOOSE to love myself if I wanted to.

And wasn't that what Arnold wanted me to do? Love myself first before I loved him?

So what would I do?

I stared around us at the empty halls, the corridors reminding me of that of my daydream from this morning; silent and full of a sudden newfound hope that I'd discovered within myself just now. Arnold's voice broke the silence as he called out my name.

"Helga?" he said, a confused expression on his face. "What are you going to do?" He asked me again and I smiled a wry smile at him as my eyes adjusted to his facial features while I looked directly at him, memorizing his every detail at the simple look I gave him.

"Do? What do I want to do?" I asked him as he nodded his head and I smirked while crossing my arms. "You... you know damn well."

* * *

 _ **Well folks, what did you all think of the song and the accompanying fic? I love this song so much so i just had to write a story with it :) Let me know what you think by leaving a REVIEW!**_

 _ **-Polka**_


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